My visit to the Scottish fair and Whiskyfestival was mixed feelings.
It was nice to see many friends and have chats and hugs and cuddles.
It was nice to taste some fine malted barley. I was clever enough not to go in overdrive though.
I had a nice meal of haggis.
I heard some good bagpipe music, different bands played their tunes.
I was in the middle of the world where my husband belonged, where he had some of his best moments. And I was there, alone.
Maybe for the first time since his passing, I realised there would be no more shared remembrances, no more reflecting (and gossiping I must admit) afterwards, no future together. I felt the loneliness cutting deep in my heart being in the centre of a crowd. It really was a big confrontation, as if I didn't belong to that world anymore. I felt lost. And the feeling lasted the whole weekend.
Still, it was good to be there and see that the world hasn't stopped. I don't know if I will attend gatherings of this kind in the future, probably friends will drag me there until I find my own place or until I definitely say I can't cope with it anymore.
Today was back to work and normal routine. It was good to be in my own world again.
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